Home
   
01:21pm 05/12/2009
  Soo worst fight of our entire relationship. Cried forever. Got mad and got a piercing. I'm still hurting really bad but the physical pain is overpowering the emotional for now.

On a much lighter note... SNOW!! First snow of the season and it's coming down hard. OOoooohhhh, snow, how I love thee.. so light and fluffy. Little flakes of joy dancing in the air.

Although today they are not so much lazily dancing down like usually.. they have a sense of urgency to reach the ground but it gives me hope that it will stay snowing and maybe stick on the asphalt during the night. :)		  
     Post
 
   
04:54am 29/11/2009
  Sooo I've been sick for the longest time. My throat has been killing me. However, I can't stop singing. lol I think I about lost whatever was left of my voice tonight. I sound so funny. I can't wait til my voice comes back full force and my throat stops hurting :)

P.S. It's also weird to me how different my singing voice sounds than my talking voice.		  
     Post
 
   
02:20am 27/11/2009
  Naughty Things You Can Only Say at Thanksgiving.
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. That's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

haha my manager sent me this. win.

ANYWHO.. I went home and came back and I am soo much better. :) Thanksgivng was good. Family time was good. Visiting friends was good. Law Abiding Citizen was AMAZING.

Losing my wallet... not so good. But I've got a spare license and nobody has used my card yet. So that is good. I'll cancel it first thing in the AM. :)

ummm Tomorrow I will be facing Black Friday head on 12PM-9PM. They told us that lunch will be provided for us and to bring our own Excedrin. I'm excited and scared. lol We shall see how this turns out. :)

While I'm here... I made a list of things I was thankful for with the little girl I mentor aaand I guess I'll put them up here in the spirit of ze holiday.

1. A roof over my head.
2. Amazing Friends!
3. Loving Family
4. My job
5. always having enough; never going without
6. My Car!
7. My life + Health
8. Good Support System (I guess... even though I lost the main player)
9. Happiness
10. Knowing Love

We both made posterboards and decorated them. And she put me on her list! Cute.

Anywho, hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving.		  
     Post
 
   
11:01pm 23/11/2009
  okay. well i accidentally cried it out. but i feel a little better now. even more tired but a lot less angry.


i really really miss kevin though.		  
     Post
 
   
07:38pm 23/11/2009
  OHHH MY GOD. I am having a really hard time. I'm so stressed about school. I've been house-hunting for the past 2 and a half months. I don't even want to move and I have to. First of all, why am I the only one who has to make sacrifices in this family? Oh Beril's nice.. I'm sure she won't mind if we flip her whole life around. WHY CAN'T YOU JUST MAKE A FEW ADJUSTMENTS SO I DON'T HAVE TO REARRANGE MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE?! I haven't called Kevin because it always ends in me crying. I'm trying to block out his entire existence and three years worth of memories. I just can't think about anything. The smallest thing is going to make me snap. I can't even allow myself to feel the smallest thing because if I crack the dam open, everything is gonna get flooded. I am hanging on by a thread. I can't afford the smallest weakness. I feel really bad for everyone who is going to have the misfortune of making me mad this upcoming week. I went the FUCK off today at a poor unsuspecting semi-stranger. The secret still works though... do it with a smile and people think it's a joke. I'm so good putting on masks but it's harder to fool myself. I am so close to the edge. I cannot handle one more thing. I'm in a really bad place right now. Three years later, Kevin was still the thing holding me together. And now I don't have that. So. so. so. stressed beyond belief. Oh and I feel SO sorry for the next person that tells me they are stressed out and give me some bullshit reason. I am gonna flip my shit. That's why I was going off today. This bitch is FOREVER "stressed" or "tired" ... WHAT THE FUCK FOR?! Do you have a place to live? Yes. Is your mother going to have heart surgery? No. Are you being forced to move out of a place you love? No. Are you about to fail half your classes? No. Do you pay rent? No. Did you just lose your best friend? NO. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ALWAYS STRESSED ABOUT!?!? I'm really itching for a fight. I really hope the next person who sets me off is not a close friend. I'm letting everyone know. DO NOT tell me you are stressed. DO NOT tell me you're tired. Do you go to school full-time and work 30 hours a week then have to volunteer and look for a place to live on top of it? SHUT THE FUCK UP. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TIRED IS.


I'm so exhausted. I'm trying so hard not to let myself feel anything. I have to hold it together. 3 more fucking weeks. I can make it.		  
     Post
 
   
11:23am 26/10/2009
  OK. Party Friday night SUCKED so hard. We left our own party to go to another one. Which also sucked so then we went to a bar. At that point, I had gotten a buzz twice and crashed twice so I was tired and irritable so I just left and came home and went to sleep.

REWIND to Wednesday. Karaoke was awesome. I actually got up and sang with some random guy who needed a partner to sing Summer Lovin and I figured Why not? since I knew the song by heart anyway and at that point people were about drunk so it didn't matter. First public karaoke!! Good times. I danced with everyone and a good time was had by all.

Thursday night we went to another bar. John's roomate's mom, brother and sister were there celebrating his 21st bday with us which was cute. Melissa told the mom she would sing karaoke with her but something happened and the mom got pissed and said she didn't want to sing anymore so Melissa was like "pleeease don't make me go up there by myself" so I sang Livin La Vida Loca with her lol It was fun times. then John, Melissa and I had a sleepover on the floor of our living room.

SKIP Friday.

Saturday I went to work and then went to Ghost Train, which was okay. The festival itself wasn't all that. We got in free so it was okay but if I had paid the $25 to get in, I woulda been mad as hell lol The converstation with Jeff was awesome. I was worried it would be awkward silences all around but that didn't happen once. Then I had someone come over and watch a movie. I may have self-disclosed a little too much. lol we will see...

Sunday was work. It was okay. I wore my devil horns and people looked at me like I was actually Satan. Gotta love small-town mountain folk. lol 2 people were in the Halloween spirit and were nice to me. Theeen I came home and went to sleep.

Today... I'm pretty sure I have a test in Art class but I don't know.		  
     Post
 
bitching again   
12:46am 20/10/2009
  I am bored with life again. I feel like everyone else I know is having fun. Also, living with a purpose. I have no passion, therefore no purpose. Why am I in college? Nobody knows.  
     Read 2 - Post
 
   
03:52pm 19/08/2009
  I've been in a really odd mood for the past few days. I feel like something really bad is going to happen. The night before last, I had to listen to music to calm my nerves enough to sleep. I haven't done that in years. And that was after I drove around for about an hour blasting my music... That was new.

I don't want to leave Raleigh but I feel homesick for Boone. Is that weird? And I'm really not ready to face work and school again. One thing I'm actually glad for, though, is that the BabyGap in Raleigh is now closed for renovations and everyone I liked has quit. So that's one less thing I feel like I'm missing out on.		  
     Read 1 - Post
 
   
02:24am 31/07/2009
  lol people are so bitchy.


Do any of my LJ friends want 30% OFF coupons from Gap, Inc. They can be used at all the Gaps, Old Navy, Banana Republic and all of their oulets and websites and Piperlime.com?

The coupon will be good June 31st through whatever this Sunday's date is.

10% of all purchases will go to CARE which is a global feeding fund thing.

Reply with an e-mail if you would like one! :)

And no, you will not get any spam from Gap, Inc. Just one coupon, one time.		  
     Post
 
convo of the day.   
01:20am 17/07/2009
  12:59amHannah
come to greensboro haha

1:01amBeril
makeout guarantee?
i will come if you can guarantee lol

1:04amHannah
haha i dont think you would like these boys though


1:04amBeril
:-/:-/ meh.. probably better selection for me than here

1:06amBeril
but i decided on how im gonna hunt
im gonna wear the most ridiculous shit.. like feather boas and rainboots.. and thats how i will reel them in
because i dd that today
i wore shiny gold leggings and some undies over them and rainboots and a bikini top on top of my shirt with a feather boa.. aaaand everyone wanted to be my friend
this is no lie		  
     Read 2 - Post
 
   
09:50pm 14/07/2009
  I'm tired of school. I'm tired of these bitchy, stuck-up students here. I'm tired of the inbred locals. I'm tired of the fact that the whole fucking town shuts down at 10PM. There's no clubs. There's no museums. There's nothing to do. There's not a Target. There's not a Starbucks. The mall has 6 stores and there's one fucking movie theater between 3 towns. I am losing my fucking mind. I want to get the fuck out of this worthless piece of shit of a town.

I used to think I wanted to live in a small town. At least now I know.. this is not the life for me.

I want nothing more than to drop all my classes, pick up my shit and move across the country. I just want to get away.


FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. #@$@#%%$&&(!!!!!!!!		  
     Read 1 - Post
 
convos of the day   
10:16pm 22/06/2009
  ME: in other news, i have come to the conclusion that i am straight

Michœl: LMAOOO..... Oh, and when did you come to this conclusion

ME: um when i realized that other people like to touch punanis
and i do not lol
i can do it... but i do not enjoy it
so that must mean i am straight
hahah

Michœl:hahhaha sounds logical to me

ME: i thought so im glad thats settled


AND


ME:oh
and
new low for me.. i went to maribel's sister's wedding

Michœl: and how is that a new low? lol

ME: no
wait

Michœl: ...?
lol

ME: and i was totally thinking how the pastor would be in bed
OMG
im going to hell! hahah

Michœl:
OHHHH MYYYYYY LMAOOOOOOOO
That is something i would think too lmao

ME: lol!! he was like a really handsome black man who was fluent in spanish!
come on! thats too much
hahah thats why you and i are friends pervert

Michœl: hahaha... not perverted.... just.... curious lol

ME: hah ok i guess i'll take that
only cuz it makes me look better too		  
     Read 3 - Post
 
   
01:33am 22/06/2009
  Maribel called me out of nowhere yesterday at 11am to tell me that her sister was getting married at 2pm that day and Maribel wanted me there. This girl hasn't called me in like 2 years.. then she calls me to invite me to a wedding? lol Of course I had to say yes. I had an amazing time even though I didn't understand a single word. The food was good, the reception was fun, it was awesomeness. Then Maribel, Celia, Javier and 2 of his friends and I went to meet my sister and Eliza at a pool and we were there for 3 hours and we played chicken and raced and did handstands and had splash fights and all that jazz. It was SOOOOOOOOOOO much fun! And now I am in a hotel in Wilmington and I will be at the beach with Ashley and Jon for a while. And yes. SO good times... :)  
     Read 1 - Post
 
   
11:21pm 29/05/2009
  So.... I don't know. I've been hanging out here and there. It's all good. We broke into a pool yesterday and that was AWESOME. I felt so graceful jumping that fence like that. lol It almost took no effort once Ashley thought to use the tree. Tomorrow I think I'm gonna try to go to the museum with my sister. That should be fun.

I'm happier in Raleigh, but now that we're not together anymore... I just have this underlying sadness all the time.. just kinda lurking.. probably waiting to smack me in the face the second I am not occupied... so I keep struggling to stay occupied all the time. It's gonna hit me soooo hard when I get back there. I'm so not looking forward to that.

Aside from that... I work and go out.. mostly with Ashley sometimes with the family. That's about it.		  
     Read 1 - Post
 
   
04:12pm 15/05/2009
  All my grades are in. Three A's and a B. 3.75 GPA. GET IT!! lol One of the A's was the one I thought was going to be a C. YAY ME.

Also.... I feel soooo much better. I'm really glad I came back now. It's not as hot as it was on that first day I was here. It was actually kind of chilly the past couple of days. I went out to Denny's with Tiffany after two hours of joking around at work while we worked on the window displays. Then we went to Wal-Mart then she dropped me off. It's so nice to feel like a normal person again. Nobody stares at me like I'm an alien here. I don't understand what it is about the Boonies that I seem so ridiculously different to them. I guess I won't really be able to wrap my head around that. How people can react so differently to a person... whatever.


I don't have the internet at home. AAAAND I DON'T LIKE IT. I have to keep going out of my way to go to places with internet access. Oh well. I have to be off to work in a bit so I shall go.		  
     Read 1 - Post
 
   
10:44pm 08/05/2009
  Mkay, I'm over it. I feel better.

I went to Sushi Blues today. The familiarity of being at Sushi Blues with the cousin then chilling at the Purple House helped me kind of ease back into the Raleigh mindset. I DO have friends here and there IS things to do. lol

No plans for the weekend, really. I'm hoping to see Kelvin and maybe go to church but we'll see. I always say I want to go to church but never quite make it to the finish line come Sunday morning. But I will see Kelvin if it kills me. He's not going anywhere til I see him! lol		  
     Post
 
   
12:17am 08/05/2009
  Sooo I am done with this semester and back at home. I already kind of wish I had stayed my butt back there. The heat here is more then I would like to deal with. I was kind of looking forward to seeing my friends but it's not a pressing urge like it was before. I've been in a really weird mood lately.

Just yesterday I cried for half an hour because I couldn't make any new friends and nobody in that stupid little town got me and I didn't fit in with anyone. I went to college thinking people would be more like me there... only to find out they are the complete opposite and want nothing to do with me. I have never felt so out of place in my life. I was talking to my sister the other day and I can't really explain it better than I did to her but it's like I feel rejected ALL THE TIME. I'm seriously considering transferring to ECU to be with her.

I've just been feeling so ridiculously alone. I know this makes me sound crazy but it seems like if I get more affection than I'm expecting.. like a hug that lasts a few seconds longer than it needs to.. I get overwhelmed with emotion and feel like crying. I'm pretty sure people are supposed to outgrow that reaction at the age of 2 or 3. I just want to be held all the time. I feel so insecure lately. Scared, almost. I need someone to hold me tight and not let go.

But at the same time.. I don't want to be around anybody. Everyone seems so fake to me. I don't feel like I'm capable of making a real connection with anyone new. That's probably why I'm so terrified of my old friends leaving me... I'm honestly scared I will be left with nobody. But I feel detached even from those that I care about the most. I don't know.


My papa came home today. Which is a weird emotional experience in itself. I always just stand there... wishing I had something to say, or we had something to talk about.. I hugged him when he got out of the car and held on a little too long and I think it made him uncomfortable and he pulled away. I wish there was something there. I guess you can't avoid someone for 20 years then pretend there is a bond. Sigh. I wish it could work that way.		  
     Read 1 - Post
 
   
12:18am 05/05/2009
  Soo... I don't understand this. WHY do they make the serving size so ridiculous for things? You look at a bag of Nutter Butters and the calorie count is 140..... for ten pieces. WHAT? Who eats just ten pieces of nutter butters? They're like the size of peanut M&Ms. Or like chips... who eats 5 chips?


3 exams down; 1 to go. 1 went terribly because I didn't know what was going on, basically.. and the other 2 were great. I have low hopes for the last one. So far I have a B in Gerontology so the exam must not have been TOO TOO bad and an A in Research Methods.. which is what I was expecting. So that is good. I worked hard but somehow it's not as fun getting an A when you already know it's coming lol But the B in Gerontology was a pleasant surprise.. if I get higher than a C in Psych of Parenting, that will be the biggest surprise of all and I will be sooooo happy. But we shall see. That's the last exam I gotta take. Then I am off to Raleigh.		  
     Post
 
   
04:30pm 28/04/2009
  OH. MY. GOD.

So we are supposed to have classes until Wednesday then Thursday is "Reading Day" (by the way, I think it's complete CRAP that we have ONE DAY to cram and State has DEAD WEEK) Anywho.. Technically, exams are not supposed to start until Friday.. so I went into my Gerontology class today "just in case" we had class and I saw the teacher assistant there... that can only mean one thing... exam time!

Needless to say, I was beyond unprepared. I hadn't even LOOKED at my notes let alone reading or studying them I didn't have my final paper which was to be turned in with the exam.

I went to class "just in case we had class" aaaaand walked into the exam. Ummmmm... I failed that final sooo bad. :(

On a positive note; he said just to e-mail him the paper AND at least I showed up.. a 50 is better than a zero because I was definitely going to skip class today.		  
     Post
 
   
12:01am 28/04/2009
  So here I am on LJ again..why? 1) Because I have 4 exams to study for and 3 papers to write and more importantly 2) I got some very bad news today.

I called babyGap to make sure everything went the way it was supposed to and it was then that I found out that Rachel was leaving the company. I was beyond upset. She is the best effing general manager I have ever ever ever worked with. Just the other day, I was talking about how I heard her voice on the phone and it made me happy. It was impossible to feel sad around this woman. I was so looking forward to working with her this summer. I literally cried on the phone when she told me. Second of all, I wanted to go back to babyGap because it was familiar to me. I got along with EVERYONE that worked there (except one but I'll take it) Come to find out, the company is consolidating all the Gap stores. GapKids closed down last week and babyGap and adult Gap will close down in July.. so they can turn into one giant store with all of them together plus GapBody. Since 3 stores are going to be meshed into one... they had to make 2 of the general managers into associate managers since one store can't have 3 GMs. And Rachel said she couldn't take the pay cut so she quit. Which I understand.... but STILL! I got off track... by the time they close down.. I'll be back here.. but the point is.. one of my managers is on maternity leave and another one is apparently on disability leave.. so I will be working with a new GM and 2 new managers and several new co-workers. I AM SO UPSET. I DO NOT DEAL WELL WITH CHANGE. Especially when it's the thing I was going home to for comfort :( I mean I really loved these people that I worked with. Then I moved here and transferred to Old Navy... and they treat me like shit. I tried to be nice to everyone, I went out of my way to speak to people.. and it just didn't work. Everyone ignores me. It hurts. I dread going to work.. which seems normal to people but I used to look forward to it back home. I'm not used to people treating me this way.. it's usually much easier for me to relate to people if not become friends.. but no.. nobody here wants anything to do with me and honestly, I'm a little confused by it. lol I don't mean to sound cocky but like.. I never had this problem, what's different? I just wanted to go home and work with a bunch of people I was friends with and cared about to get away from this job for a couple of months and I can't even have that. I just hope I get along with the new people. :-/

Phew. That was somewhat of a rant but whatever. Nobody really understands why I'm so upset about this and that kind of bothers me, too. But I couldn't care less, really... I loved those people and was looking forward to seeing them. Aaaaand that got taken away from me today.

Umm I wanted to write about something else but I got too worked up over my rant and forgot. lol

Interesting tidbit of the day: George W. Bush was the only president to win a campaign that was shorter than his opponent. He evened the odds by standing on a step stool during debates or being across the room instead of side by side so people weren't as likely to see the difference. Because people are more likely to trust tall men.

Also... today I got a craving for McDonald's fries.. and anyone whose ever gotten that craving knows that it is impossible to beat. I've known people to get off the couch at 2AM and drive around to find an open drive-thru to get those things... They are like crack or something... but the points... I beat the craving. lol it was amazing. The end.


And basically I am counting the seconds until I get to go home. I am so ready to see all my furry and non-furry friends 4-legged and 2-legged alike. For serious.		  
     Post
 
 
turkishdelite06
 
 
skip  
 
 

Advertisement